


Genghis Khan (I don't want you to get it on with nobody else but me)

by godaime_obito



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Crack, M/M, Multi, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 17:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16350947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godaime_obito/pseuds/godaime_obito
Summary: Kisame doesn't get the appeal of secret agents. There's nothing dashing or charming about them if Hatake is anything to judge by, although Obito seems to disagree.based off this post https://godaime-obito.tumblr.com/post/178524159040/me-looking-over-the-architecture-plans-for-my





	Genghis Khan (I don't want you to get it on with nobody else but me)

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Genghis Khan by Miike Snow.

Kisame stares out at the conveniently un-monitored dock. There’s a speedboat at it. This means that the agent is already on the island, perhaps sneaking through the conveniently big-enough-and-strong-enough-to-support-a-grown-man air-ducts. He better head back to base. Obito will likely be catching the intruder any minute now. Kisame doesn’t understand how no one else is getting tired of this cycle.

For as long as he’s been working for Obito, back when he was a random thug and not the right-hand (hench)man, this has been going on. Obito makes a plan to create a worldwide utopia which requires the use of morally questionable methods, he makes a base with a few glaring weaknesses, agent Hatake sneaks in, he catches him, agent Hatake escapes and ruins the plan in the process. Kisame would also note that the traps have become less and less subtle date attempts as time goes on. He’s half afraid he’ll get back to find Hatake chained to a chair at a candlelit dinner table.

The only person more oblivious than agent Hatake, and his failure to notice Obito’s date attempts, is Obito himself, and his failure to notice Kisame’s everything. They’ve been working together for a decade now. Obito is a _potentially_ evil mastermind. You think he would notice. Maybe he should grab some flowers on his way back to the base. If he interrupted their candlelit dinner like that surely, he’d notice?

He stops to grab some wild flowers from the base of a tree. Maybe they’re poisonous, Obito would love that. Trudging through the list bit of dangerous jungle wilderness Kisame types in his code and enters the base through a hidden door. He makes towards where he knows agent Hatake was going to be captures and…

It really is a romantic dinner. There are no candles, but there’s still no mistaking it. They’re having _steak_. It’s only a matter of time before Hatake is left alone and somehow uses nothing but the knife and fork from the meal to fight his way back to his boat.

“Kisame, just in time,” Obito calls from the table, “I need you to… Are those orchids? That would go perfect as a center piece. I was just telling Kakashi we were missing something.”

“Right,” Kisame sighs, “I’ll get a vase.” Maybe he’s just not projecting the right atmosphere. Maybe if he can get his aura to be less ‘hopelessly in love with his boss’, and more ‘aggressively and proactively in love with his boss’.

It doesn’t take as long as you’d think to find a vase in an evil lair. Obito has an entire storage room for date props, he says they’re ‘to add atmosphere to the capture’. He picks a simple one and puts the flowers in. There is no point getting water, Hatake will be gone long before they wilt. He sits the vase gently on the table foe Obito’s sake, but the glare he gives the agent makes it clear he’d rather slam them down.

“Thank you Kisame,” Hatake says with a grin. Cheeky jerk.

“They’re not for you,” Kisame deadpans.

“That’s no way to talk to a guest,” Obito reprimands, “Why don’t the two of you make nice while I go start _the machine_.”

He makes his way towards the control room calmly. Agent Hatake seems weirdly calm too. When the door slides closed behind Obito, Kisame gives the agent a good look over. His bindings seem to have moved.

“You already got out and sabotaged it sometime while I was getting the vase, didn’t you?” he questions exasperatedly.

“Maa,” Hatake drawls, “would I do something like that?”

“Yes.”

“Kisame, Kisame, we’re friends at this point, aren’t we?” Hatake asks.

“Not really agent,” he says, already resigned to whatever it is he’s about to say.

“Call me Kakashi,” he replies, “and I think we are.”

“What do you want…Kakashi?” Kisame relents.

Agent Hatake, _Kakashi_ Hatake, gives him a considering look, before lighting up with a grin. “There’s just one thing I’ve been wanting to suggest to Obito, but I never seem to get the chance,” he begins, “Dates like this, well they’re nice I suppose, but I’d really prefer just one date I’m not tied up or caged for. You understand where I’m coming from, right?”

Kisame is not going to be the relationship counselor for the man he’s in love with and this smarmy agent. “I understand completely,” he answers, “but _you_ must understand I’m not going to help you.”

“I thought you might say that, but I just want you to think about it,” Kakashi says with another awful grin.

“I’m going to check on Obito.” Hopefully he’ll be gone before Kisame gets back.

* * *

 

The machine was already broken, and the agent was gone when they got back. Which means everything is right back to step one as per usual.

“I just don’t get why he’s always running off. He rarely even says goodbye,” Obito complains, “Am I overbearing? Is that it?”

Kisame considers telling him what Kakashi said about being tied up for dates. He doesn’t. “ _I_ don’t think you’re overbearing.”

“Then what is it?” he wonders. He sits down at the table in the world-domination-planning room with a sigh.

“Maybe you’re just not his type,” Kisame suggests, sitting next to him.

“Don’t be ridiculous. We have chemistry.”

“How about you take a break from constantly capturing him and try the distance makes the heart grow fonder approach?” he proposes. He could certainly use a break.

“It would be nice to be the one playing hard to get for a while,” Obito admits. He ponders it in his seat, tapping on the over-sized world map inlaid in the table. Brightening with a grin he says, “It’s perfect! Kisame we’re moving.”

“Of course,” he replies, before realizing what Obito actually said. “Wait. What? Where are we going?” he asks.

“We are going to abandon this island base. Kakashi has been breaking in here for years. Next time he’ll have to track down an all new base. Surely that will spice up our relationship. Should it be in Antarctica, or underground in Dubai?” he asks.

 “Those are two very different places, but I’m for it either way,” Kisame says, “Have you considered an underwater base? I think it would play to my strengths as your assistant.” Now if only they get lucky and Kakashi never finds them at all

* * *

 

They don’t go with the underwater base in the end, because Obito thinks it would too hard to salvage and reuse if Kakashi busts it and it floods with water. Which, Kisame must admit, is a fair enough concern. Kakashi does tend to break their things. The Antarctica base is nice enough; it’s just as secluded as their old one and if he gets lucky the agent will get hypothermia on his way here. Dubai would be less boring though.

Kisame is finishing his round double checking the perimeter, because you can’t really trust the low-level grunts, when he notices something off. There’s a mysterious melted patch of ice. There are melted footprints leading away from it. They’re not Kakashi’s. Fuck. He sends an alert back to base and runs in the direction of the prints.

He catches up just in time to see Mei Terumi melt a hole through the back gate.  If she does that to the base itself it’ll let in an awful draft. Obito would kill someone when he saw the heating bill. Best to stop her now. Kisame is perhaps a tad outmatched by Terumi’s weird lava powers she got in the infamous volcano incident, but that won’t stop him from doing his job.

He slams into her from behind without warning and slams her head toward the unmelted section of the gate. If he can knock her out by surprise then her powers won’t matter. She jerks in his hold and her head barely clips the metal. She flips him off her with a show of impressive strength considering their respective sizes. The alarms start blaring. Between the breach of the wall and his message backup is coming.

“Terumi,” Kisame grits out, “Don’t you have your own evil base to be in? Or at least you could be in Konan’s.”

“Actually, I’m here on Konan’s behalf,” she says with false cheer, “She’s clearly still upset about the whole Obito-choking-her-near-to-death incident, and I thought she’d cheer up if I melted him.”

Great. Just when he might shake Kakashi old unfriendly rivals appear to ruin everything.

“Can’t we talk this out? Didn’t we go to henchman school together?” he asks.

“Stop calling it that! There’s no such thing as henchman school and you know it,” She growls, “and I’m _not_ a henchman.”

“Henchwoman?”

Terumi sends a blast of lava straight at his head. He’s forced to dive to the side, and concede ground to her. She advances on him and readies her hands to send another stream at parts of himself he’d rather not lose, but she’s thrown back before she can.

Obito slams her into the ground and starts to choke her, and really maybe he should get a new signature move.  He has to jump back as she gathers heat to her hands again. Kisame pushes himself up and reinters the fray.  The two of them are a great team, but Terumi had a clear advantage considering neither of them have weird unexplainable powers. Unless you count Kisame being part shark, which isn’t really helpful above water. Also, lava powers in an Antarctic base is not good for the base. Kisame knew putting it here was a bad idea.

Things aren’t looking good for them when an electrified net suddenly wraps around her giving her a debilitating shock. Obito and Kisame whip around to see where the net came from. Standing at the top of the twenty-foot wall, right where it came from, is… _Kakashi_?

Obito smiles, and walks over Terumi’s unconscious body towards the agent. “Kakashi! Just in time! How did you know to bring that net?” he asks gleefully.

“I brought the net to disable Kisame while I snuck in,” Kakashi says shamelessly, snarky grin in place, “but I thought it may get more use this way.” He slides down the wall using a rope he anchored at the top. His grin drops for a moment. “I’m glad you seem okay. I was a bit worried when I arrived to this mess, and by, you know, the lava hands pointing at you,” he adds soberly.

“Aren’t you glad I’m okay too? Because for once I’m happy to see you,” Kisame says. He follows closely behind Obito, falling back into acting as a bodyguard. Just because the agent used his net already doesn’t mean he’s out of tricks.

“Oh, of course Kisame. If I’m happy he’s alright I must happy you are. The two of you are a single unit,” he jokes. Or is it a joke? It’s hard to tell with him.

Obito opens his mouth, sputters, and closes it again, in what is one of the best impressions of his uncle Madara he’s ever done. “It’s not like that!” he finally gets out.

“It isn’t?” Kisame says with only half faked disappointment. He gives his best puppy dog eyes. He imagines they don’t work on anyone else, because, well, he’s a 195-cm shark man, but Obito at least falls for them almost every time.

Kakashi is giggling at his expense. If Kisame looked over at him that cheeky grin would be back in place. Obito stares at him, clearly having no idea what to do. There comes a point you have to take things into your own hands, and get the ball rolling yourself, and he’s reached it. Kisame bends down and wraps an arm around Obito’s before hefting him up. Obito grabs a hold of his shoulders to balance where he’s sitting on his forearm. Kisame leans forward and kisses him. It isn’t long, but it’s deep, and he does his best to convey more than seven years of pining.

Obito stares at him when the kiss breaks, flushed and still looking a bit confused when Kakashi does what he does best and ruins the moment.

“Me too!” he cheers. Standing on his toes, he pushes his face in-between them and sticks his tongue right into Kisame’s mouth. Before he figures out how to respond, Kakashi pulls back and repeats the ambush of a kiss on Obito. “Does this mean we can finally have an evening together without the very unsexy bondage?” he asks.

Obito makes an unintelligible squeaking noise that he will undoubtedly deny came from him later.

“I suppose you’re not that bad,” Kisame admits, “maybe something can be arranged afterall.”

“Shouldn’t we do something about her first,” Obito says motioning to Terumi. He still seems mostly confused about what’s going on, but that’s par for the course when it comes to him. He’ll figure it out part way through the romantic dinner with actual candles and no restraints.

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess in this au mei is to konan what Kisame is to obito idk how that happened


End file.
